HOW TO QUESTION EVERYTHING

I spent the last weeks of 2020 questioning everything. It was one of the best things I could have done for myself, and here is why.

Let me begin by stating that I surely did not go into the self-inquiry “cave” of my own volition, it kinda happened by itself when the world started to slow down in December. And even though I did not intend it, I am certain that my Soul did – and such experiences turn out to be the most amazing ones, right?

So, there I found myself one day…innocently opening my journal to review the year and envision the next one. Little did I know that mere two hours later I would sit there questioning the very foundations of my existence – what am I really here to do? how can I embody my essence even more? where does my true genius lie? what is driving me?

And then I wrote stuff. And wrote stuff. And wrote stuff. Until one notebook ended and the next one was halfway through.

It was surprising, it was delightful, it was unexpected, it was beautiful.

I discovered things I never even set out to find.

I connected the dots in ways I could not even begin to fathom before.

I released some deeply buried stress and trauma.

And emerged out of my introspective cocoon with a sense of profound embodied clarity on my direction and excitement about all the big and small changes that ensue.

I attribute this magical outcome to four things. Shall you ever attempt such a deep dive into self-discovery, this would be my advice on the pre-requisites.

1. I made space – real space, not just 30 min a day kind of space, but uninterrupted hours upon hours of space. I did not know how long the “cave” episode would last for, but I was ready to stay in it until its natural completion (you will sense when it comes). I cleared my schedule as much as I could, doubled down on self-care, and released any and all sense of pressure or obligation. This level of space allows the nervous system to relax, and previously unseen information can rise up to the surface. This is crucial.

2. I had trust – in myself, in my Soul, in life. Even when I had more questions than answers, I sensed that the light of my inner knowing could never lead me astray. I believe that being with the unknown without needing to force the answers or demand a resolution is where the magic lies. It is through allowing for clarity to arise that it can actually be ignited. Revelations do not result from thinking - they descend through grace. Let go of control, and open up to receive.

3. I went all the way – no half-baked solutions, no glancing over the tough questions, not even a trace of self-delusion. I interrogated each and every minor doubt and questioned everything. I did not hold back. I was willing to sit there and deconstruct my life until true clarity came.

I will be absolutely honest with you: when I say I questioned everything, I really mean EVERYTHING. Including my desire to work in the personal development industry as such. I spent at least a couple of days seriously considering to walk away from it, after a decade of training and coaching and healing people. 

And the beauty of it is: the very fact of giving myself permission to burn it all, shall I decide to do so, set me free. Realizing that helping others is not the only way to live a meaningful life allowed me to truly CHOOSE to do it and re-commit to my work.

4. I used the right tools - I believe no tool or methodology is for everyone, none is the silver bullet, and any of it is only as good as your ability to implement it. The tools that are responsible for the magic I have harvested are Human Design and Gene Keys. I have been working with both closely for over a year, but it was during these past weeks that the fruits of my studies started to ripen. It all just clicked.

NB I used journaling as the main vehicle for my explorations, but it is not the only way. Not everyone is a writer, so you gotta do what feels easy to you. It can be talking it out and recording voice notes. Or painting. Or dancing. Whatever helps you get things out.

I do believe though that this type of self-inquiry needs to be done alone. It is between you and You. There is sacredness in keeping the process contained, and there is value in not inviting any external input until the process concludes itself naturally. It served me well to withdraw from all social life for a while (was not difficult to do given lockdown status in Berlin) and use all of my energy for this internal process.

If you ever attempt this inner adventure, I invite you to be gentle with yourself and have patience. Although the process is internal and somewhat quiet, it burns up a lot of energy. Do not be surprised if it leaves you feeling tired, needing more sleep or craving specific foods. Give yourself exactly what you need, because your body knows. Wrap yourself in extra layers of compassion and love. It will be well worth it.

And last but not least, let go of any attachment to the outcome.

Whatever needs to unfold, eventually will.

Photo by Alisa Anton on Unsplash